A Great Parent Isn't Perfect

A self-described patriarch declares on twitter how a woman can be a better mother. I'm triggered. But it is not my nature to curse or slam doors. I take apart an argument to find the pith, to eventually dig out a pithy answer. It takes more than 280 characters to rip this patriarch's list apart. So here I am, blogging my displeasure at leisure.

The patriarch's list:

• Be feminine
• Wear dresses
• Don't hit your kids
• Enforce boundaries
• Be physically active
• Don't tease your kids
• Cook your family's meals
• Don't call your children names
• Do not get drunk in front of them
• Show up to their games *& cheer*

The patriarch came up with his random set of rules, as far as I can tell, from a mixed bag of nostalgia and "biblical" principles.

After my red rage faded from his "Wear dresses" comment, I asked myself, is there a driving desire by parents everywhere to be better? Patriarch may be speaking to latent insecurity that comes with parenting, that insecurity that if we screw up, the kid is messed for life. Sure, parenting is scary. The first time a child lashes out, one wonders if anything was done right at all. But I firmly declare that imperfect parenting can still be great.

I am happy to have survived it all and watch my children grow up in to all they hope to be, and my granddaughter as well. This bible verse has come true for me, every single day,..."Her children rise up and call her blessed;..." (Proverbs 31:28a ESV). My experience taught me that I did not have to be perfect for my children to come out just fine. I could even mess up and still have done a great job. Because my children are utterly convinced that my love for them is limitless.

What makes a great parent from my experience? Parent with the future in mind. Be clear about consequences, and follow through when rules are broken. Listen and be available. Let them know that they are strong and capable people, able to make good choices. By your actions, prove that there is absolutely nothing you wouldn't do to set them up for a successful future. Your leadership will be their view of God on earth, so love them no matter what. If you mess up, apologize. You are modelling humility.

So is patriarch's list at all biblical? 

The bible talks about disciplining the child, teaching, keeping the sabbath and the holidays, giving good gifts, and not exasperating the child. I'd say of these ten arbitraries, three could be called biblical (I've given them red letters).  One arbitrary is specifically unbiblical. The bible admonishes parents not to spare the rod. Not that I'm advocating corporal punishment. From experience I found out that a parent, with aforethought, can maintain decorum without resorting to the rod. But it does show that this list is arbitrary, cherry picked out of some guy's head.

Is the patriarch's list nostalgic? 

Most certainly this list is nostalgic. I've highlighted the arbitraries in blue that evoke an idealized past memorialized in contemporary ads from the 1950's. But let's not forget that out of that period also came a seminal work, "The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan, which pointed a sharp finger in to the side of this shaky ideal. For a great many women, the suburban stay-at-home ideal just didn't live up to the promise. This was the age that also saw a marked increase in the use of prescribed anti-depressants. Note also that these blue arbitraries are not biblical. Even the ideal wife and mother memorialized in Proverbs 31 did not cook her own meals. She had servants for that.

What's wrong with an arbitrary list?

It condenses the parent's experience to a random list of do's and don'ts, while allowing elephants to walk through. A raging narcissist for instance, could keep to these rules and still torment their children every day. It is better I find, to live by general principles and allow our native kindness, intelligence and observation to guide our choices.

And finally, what does dress or femininity have to do with parenting?

It's the yoga pant that is the uniform of choice for scores of mothers. It's flexible, hides a multitude of sins, and allows for the deep bends and dives an active mother makes every day. Does that prevent them in any way from being great parents? It's irrelevant.

Punctuation is important

This is a sideline to a twitter discussion where the importance of punctuation came up. My young pup came up with this gem:

“That’s your argument my grammar is bad alright guess I’m wrong then guess homosexuality is true because my grammar is bad?”

I’ll add the punctuation that I think the writer intended. 

“That’s your argument?  [Because] my grammar is bad alright guess I’m wrong? [By that reasoning] then guess homosexuality is true? Because my grammar is bad?”

It could just as easily be interpreted:

“That’s your argument. My grammar is bad alright. Guess I’m wrong then. Guess homosexuality is true.  Because my grammar is bad?”

If I add my own punctuation I can interpret this pup  to be as passive-aggressive or openly hostile as I imagine him to be. 

The use of trueness is misused as well. I think we can all agree these days that homosexuality exists. In that sense, homosexuality is “true”.  The crux of the argument is whether it is moral or not. 

Ambiguous grammar aside, if an apologist wants to make an argument that homosexuality is biblically immoral, then say that. 

To answer that argument:

From a biblical point of view, Lot’s disastrous relations with his Sodomite neighbours is often brought up. I might point out that these lechers were also rapists, considering random strangers or Lot’s own daughters to be fair game. Rape is an act of violence and cruelty, an obvious violation of the Golden Rule. 

As for any New Testament prohibitions remember also Peter's vision where God tempted him with all sorts of unclean foodstuffs. God reminded Peter that in the age of Grace, whatever God calls clean is now clean. 

Apply the Golden Rule. If there is love, trust, loyalty, and mutual respect, it is approved of God. 

Quiet Revolution

With a new government comes new priorities, and there will be corresponding changes to the public service. My interests come from twenty-five years of administrative service, experiencing directly the results of shifting party policy. Some changes made us smarter and sharper, others were comical. The challenge for every public worker, no matter where they work in the heirarchy, is to find meaning in their role, often lacking in power to eliminate the ridiculous.

The freshening United Conservative Party will be bustling to make their mark, and in some cases, to reverse the reforms instituted in the past four years. The public service will struggle to keep up.

I've watched with interest in the past four years as the NDP absorbed some agencies back in to public service. Of note, the Alberta Environmental Monitoring, Evaluation and Reporting Agency and the Alberta Livestock and Meat Agency both dissolved  back in to their parent departments in 2016. In addition, four innovative agencies were combined in to one, Alberta Innovates Corporation. With these changes and others, the number of agencies in the past four years was reduced by seven, which would result in a reduction in administrative costs.

I like seeing this sort of cost reduction by reducing complexity. It's a sort of quiet revolution that rarely makes headlines.

The new government has promised to keep a hold on spending,

"Maintain operating spending at current levels as part of a realistic plan to balance the budget by 2022/23 without compromising core services" United Conservatives - Alberta Strong and Free" p. 101, 2019

I will watch with interest if the new party will restrain themselves when tweaking the organization of the public service, if they create or disband any existing agencies, and if they trend towards efficiency and simplicity.

Sixty Days of Gratefulness

A new friend challenged me to name sixty things I am grateful for. I missed the deadline but I want my new friend that I was listening, and I do believe her that an exercise like this can change perspective. I’ll add to this blog every day for sixty days to add depth and meaning to the exercise.

Disclaimer: Dear family and friends, this list was put together in an hour of free association and should not be viewed as ranked in any way.

1. My son

Donald and I have been there for each other through thick and thin. Donald has come to terms with a serious mental health diagnosis to carve out a meaningful life. He is a faithful and devoted son and husband. Here Donald came on a walk/bike charity race the spring of 2015.

2. Attentive husband

Here we are at my daughter's wedding last summer. He is likely getting ready to say something outrageous. He never passes an opportunity to get a reaction. What outsiders might miss is that he witnesses all my moods, and, if I spiral in to the dark, he pulls me out with a pat on the back. Whatever project or scheme I have going on, it is all right with him.

3, 4 A loving daughter and a dazzling granddaughter

Here they are at my sons wedding eighteen months ago. Crystal my daughter leads with her heart and everything she does for her family is to make them stronger, confident and more able. Which pretty much sums up what my granddaughter Naomi has become. Who could fail to thrive with ladies like these in your corner?

I am writing this at the cusp of a provincial election while Notre Dame in Paris burns. Life is uncertain. I can count on the certainty of familial love.

5 Wise Father

As a man who thinks far more than he speaks, he makes his words count. I chose a picture from before wisdom, where we all start, full of spit and vinegar.

6 Three Moms

Edith took me bird watching, which taught me the lifetime skill to observe. Life is richer when I see more. Myrna fussed over me to look my best; I still hear her when I pick out my outfit in the morning. And Dawn is full of warmth and care.

7 Back Door Family

A new friend of mine introduced me to the term "back door family", those relations we gain from marriage. Every one of these folks add dimension and character to my life. Clockwise from the top frame, Jeff, Crystal, Naomi, Tim, Maria, Lizzie, Irene, (me), Katja, Christian, Martin, (me; camera hog), Claire, Tammy, and me again.

8 Democracy

Oh, the freedom to live in a country where we can hold our governments accountable. I remember keenly the exhilaration of the 2015 election results, where Albertans, nearly as one, ousted a government that had become a tad too....entitled. No matter what our political stripe, I think nearly all Albertans care to have a government that is humble and attentive. May it live up to our highest hopes.

9 Hand picked fruit

Can the aroma and flavour of hand picked fruit be beat? I swear you can smell the sunshine. It's a biochemical reaction from the ripening of fruits, benzyl acetate amongst others, but can the clinical fully explain the sensation? These are ornamental crab apples that Naomi and I picked for jelly, which made for a gruelling sticky afternoon filled with cheesecloth and hot syrups.

10 Seeds

From a tiny kernel blooms....life! Glorious, struggling, striving, thriving, reaching. Just a little nurturing and I have shade and sustenance. Seeds are miracle bundles. These bean sprouts were part of a corporate competition back in 2015, spanning offices in two provinces; yet they all produced within hours of each other!

On hiatus for a few days, so I'm playing catch-up.

11. Shelter
12. Siblings
13. Community
14. Universal health care 

This takes a little explaining. Dad refuses photos these days, and has no patience with a society obsessed with recording life's minutae with the world. But I got this pic because dad was laughing at this meal. He'd had a bad kidney number come back and he was immediately rushed to the University of Alberta emergency, during a long weekend, and the Kidney specialist had been called in for an expert opinion. Dad had spent an uncomfortable night in the emergency ward. They'd taken away all his medication, including his Metformin.

For a Type 2 diabetic well habituated to routine, this breakfast is sad. Tea. Dry toast. A packet of saltines, and a packet of sugar. When dad asked if he might have something for his toast, the nurse rushed out and brought back a packet of jam. Absolutely no protein to help balance his blood sugars, and two packets of "poison" besides.

The kidney expert explained it all when he came in, and it turned out that was the last night dad was on Metformin. He's been on insulin ever since. I think dad spent about a week in the hospital getting this all sorted, and then it was home with no change other than the medication.

Merry Christmas 2018

It has been a hell of a year. We lost our property, I lost my job, we filed for bankruptcy and I fell in to a funk where frankly I didn’t know what to do next. My daughter helped me snap out of it and we made a few changes. I started drawing my pension and we moved to Wetaskiwin for a bundle of reasons, a desire to simplify being chief among them.

Life has much improved since then.

In between Crystal and Martin married and that was a memorable event, full of warmth and sweetness, a reflection of their true hearts.

Here in Wetaskiwin Art and I were quickly welcomed. I enjoy my Toastmasters and Art hangs out with the Tim Hortons crowd. I have a part time job at the United Church and I have met so many fine and generous people.

I reconnected with Jane and Noreen and what fine memories we share.

It has been helpful to be so much closer to Dawn and dad allowing me to be a help as they face the next level of care.

My best wishes to you all and may the coming year be full of moments of charm and wonder.

This picture was taken at By the Lake park here in Wetaskiwin.

Gluten Free Project

Not for me, but for the fun of menu planning, I put together a five week menu that is gluten free and (mostly) dairy free. Yogurt is allowed. I am basing each week on a "Sunday Roast", purposely cooking more than we can eat, and packaging the prepared meat for additional meals throughout the week. With a little bit of each roast carried over from week to week, in a month there should be a variety of meats available in the freezer. I figure these secondary meals are practically "free" as the roast paid for itself at the first meal. Once there are a variety of prepared meats in the freezer, there is no need to stick to the same meat all week. Feel free to mix and match according to your mood and tastes.

Lunches are leftovers; in wraps, soups, or salads.

I came up with fifteen different starchy accompaniments to the meat of the day, and then did a google search listing both. If I wanted to exclude an ingredient, for instance, I used a minus sign such as "-tomatoes"or "-milk". Potatoes are listed more than once because they are just so darn versatile. I picked fifteen so that over the month, the chosen starchy side would accompany a different meat. Indeed I believe it would take 28 weeks for a combination to repeat. 

I'll diarize my progress here, as well as on Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter. The menu plan is on google drive.

By husband testing each recipe in turn, I can make sure that the menu plan is a crowd-pleaser.

Chicken with Turnip and Pears

I exchanged heavily on this recipe, based on the foods that were on hand. This is chicken breast instead of thighs, red onion, peanut garnish, and red wine vinegar instead of white wine. The pear offers a sweet counterpoint to the other flavours, and the overall effect is pleasing. I'd use the white wine next time.

Christmas News 2017

Yup, checked the clock. It's still 2017.

I'm writing this year's update shotgun style; a free association of impressions and moments from the past year.

All dressed up for Donald and Tammy's wedding

Death to Perfectionism

A perfect storm of crisis and comfort has released me from the curse of perfectionism. The kind facilitators of this transformation are the good people from Brownlee's Best Toastmasters club. Doing my best is not the worst problem to have, but if it holds me back from taking good risks, it's time to move on. 

Toastmasters!

I'm two speeches away from reaching my Competent Communicator designation. Along the way the club has refined my leadership skills, even though I wasn't looking for it. Everyone has a great story in them. Listening to my fellow club members week after week has broadened my appreciation for how much story is in each one of us. 

Grande Prairie

Attended my niece's wedding smack in the middle of God's country. Hung out with my sister, stepmom and my dad. Played giant Jenga with my nephews. Chatted up a whole new batch of relatives. 

Donald and Tammy

Tied the knot! They pulled off a great wedding. I danced with the groom and nephew James captured it for Facebook. 

Time and Time with Dad

The end is now in sight, so any time I can sit and share deep thoughts is precious. Somehow dad has reconciled himself to frailness, while finding ways to make life work every day. Seeing dad at peace with the end in sight has helped me make peace with it, too. Dawn is facing her own loss, not always with the best grace, but who could? She needn't worry about losing my love, though. The core of who she is always shines through.

Half the Lawn

Atco buzzed through this summer ripping up the property and replacing ageing gas lines so we don't blow up. They mollified us for the inconvenience by re-sodding the half of the lawn. My daughter noted that I now have half a lawn dandelion free.

Endings and Beginnings

Crystal and Martin are officially engaged. Expect to see lots of silly smiles that Crystal will declare un-photogenic. Naomi is just growing up so fast. She is inches away from getting her driver's license. She's earned the confidence of the adults around her to such an extent that she ends up behind the driver's seat most days, for practice. Art has become her temporary Uber driver, back and forth from her job at the ski hill. Go Naomi!


Merry Christmas to all, and to all, peace