Detente

In my last post I gave an example of the ongoing dispute between Israel and Palestine. In his book, The Better Angels..., Pinker cites an ingenious study, where various scenarios were offered to both sides of the dispute. Offering purely monetary rewards for peace were summarily dismissed (likely triggering disgust).

"We report a series of experiments carried out with Palestinian and Israeli participants showing that violent opposition to compromise over issues considered sacred is (i) increased by offering material incentives to compromise but (ii) decreased when the adversary makes symbolic compromises over their own sacred values. These results demonstrate some of the unique properties of reasoning and decision-making over sacred values." Sacred bounds on rational resolution of violent political conflict by Jeremy Ginges, Scott Atran, Douglas Medin, and Khalil Shikaki (2007) [emphasis mine]

Now comes the hard part. I have an ongoing dispute with a long-standing colleague, after having volunteered as a moderator of his discussion board for twelve years. The dispute revolves around the cause and resolution of gratuitous violence as displayed by ISIS and its oddball adherents. Is the entire religion of Islam to blame? If so, can the world community force Islam to reform?

First of all, I don't think the entire religion is to blame. My colleague does. He rages over the despicable acts of violence, I rage over the implications of blaming billions of people for the actions of a few. The hard part as an open advocate for peace, I am obliged to live by my principles. An unsettled dispute like this sits wrong. Is there anything I can do to restore relationship with my colleague?

Going from No to Yes in the Middle East by William Ury

After all the insults, barbs, and accusations, the cutting off of a working relationship of  dozen years, what could I offer first across the negotiating table? If such an olive branch were offered, what would I need in return?

I would need an admission that the original accusation is too strong and neither Simon or I know enough about Islam and how it is taught to say that it is fundamentally flawed (diseased). [Most interesting. I could not even entertain a concession until I resolved my need. I guess that makes me human - J]

What do I offer first? I agree that the community of Islam itself is to be shamed in to dealing with it's demons within, and provide the first and strongest response against extremists like ISIS. The world community can support the Islamic communities in any way they ask, such as air, advisory support. This may require a critical admission that Islam itself is not united in thought and deed, and some elements deserve to be expelled.

I finish this three-blog rant with an offering of my dignity, something I dearly treasure and loathe to sacrifice. For a whole-hearted life, I offer my vulnerability. Long-standing friendships are worth fighting for, much more than the fight.


 

Anger

I have an annoying husband.

He teases constantly, thieves minor-ly, hates unreasonably, chatters endlessly, and tidies up behind me. Generally, I am tolerant or amused. He found out quick and I figured out much later that he suddenly becomes intolerable when something else is bothering me. If I snap, he approaches cautiously, "So....how was work today?"  Turns out, work has been great. But I am losing a a long-standing connection with a volunteer community, and I am very, very angry.

The community of which I speak is a discussion board where I have moderated for years in the Ex-Jehovah's Witness community. I'm not an ex-Witness myself, but I've lived in hope for my husband to become one. The board is dynamic, funny, and real. It is one of the few places on the internet where there's a cachet of intelligent conversation where subjects as diverse and politics and religion are debated openly. And usually civilly.

Except when the board owner takes offense to the violent streak in Islam. I resign as a moderator, and protest. I won't go in to the mechanics of our difference just yet. I'm angry enough to have four or five blogs' worth of comment left in me. But in fairness to my annoying husband, I'm confronting the source of my anger, taking a step back and dissecting the dynamics of dissension.

Who knows? When I am done perhaps my anger will have dissolved, there will be apologies all around, and there will be some sort of reconciliation. Maybe.

The fierce emotions coursing through me can be predicted from some of my readings lately, especially Haidt's The Righteous Mind and Pinker's The Better Angels of our Nature...  Most encouraging is that the studies referenced by these authors (likely fierce opponents themselves) also point to how we can disentangle ourselves from old hatreds. It might be interesting to see if the techniques hinted by the studies referenced might work to resolve this seemingly irreconcilable difference.

So how am I feeling? So asks my indefatigable iMood Journal several times a day. The gentle request is preceded by a meditation gong. Oh, how annoying is that gong to my long-suffering husband. He asks, "Is there any way you can turn that off?" So of course I will never give it up. At random times of the day, my iPhone gongs and I turn to hubby and ask sweetly, "How are you feeling?" Hahahahahaha.

So how am I feeling? If I go anywhere near that heated discussion, I am angry. I see ignorant, bigoted posts allowed to stand unmolested. My quiet protests get buried under a flood of fellow-feeling for the board owner's disgust and anger towards the Islamic faith. My arguments are called "lame", my honest response to a disaster "hypocritical". I feel disrespected, my contribution over the years swept away in the heat of crude argument.

I would call the response classic dinosaur brain

A most useful metaphor to describe the fierce, unintelligent, and primal response to threat. We know better now, of course. The part of our brain that houses the fight response is not as old as the dinosaurs. It's alive and well in our primate cousins. Monkey brain.

So how do chimps fight asks Pinker in The Better Angels.... It turns out in fairly evenly matched confrontation between troops, there will be a lot of screaming and chest thumping. Neither group can risk loss of prime hunters, so the threat is kept verbal, a "Don't tread on me" sort of warning. Not to say that chimps won't turn violent but they do it in secret, and if the poor victim is vastly outnumbered. When done in secret, the threat to their own number is minimized.

I am sure you can think of a similar spillover in the human communities. Violent acts generally private or in the cover of darkness, to prevent detection and consequences. Presidential screaming matches are a good sign that both combatants would prefer to settle without resorting to violence.

I can't say my ancestors always took this to heart. I understand the clan of Fraser was greatly reduced in number by one battle from which they refused to back away. I credit my heritage for a personal refusal to back off when principles are at stake.

But my dispute with an old friend in this case, is not a battle between opposing tribes. We are participants in the same community. So there is another dynamic at play; this is a battle of dominance.

Within a tribe, one of us has got to go.

The logic is pretty plain. I have been a happy and active participant of the discussion board for many years, but I am not the owner. If the owner won't back down, I must go. If this were the local pub, I am virtually throwing in my towel.

Dinosaurs, chimps, wolves, and the local pub.

Hence, my grief and my rage. I must bow out of a community I have supported and admired for these twelve years.

Next, I'll explore "hot buttons" and why disputants polarize.

Hot Button Issues - Sanctity and Disgust

"This is a list of Wikipedia articles deemed controversial because they are constantly being re-edited in a circular manner, or are otherwise the focus of edit warring or article sanctions. This page is conceived as a location for articles that regularly become biased and need to be fixed, or articles that were once the subject of an Neutral Point of View (NPOV) dispute and are likely to suffer future disputes." Wikipedia list of controversial issues

Not surprising, politics, history, religion, science (biology, health) and sexuality top the list. Why as a people do some subjects become so heated? I propose that for some issues, opponents feel that their fundamental values are violated in some way. If these issues were strictly a matter of logical discourse, surely they could be resolved fairly quickly.

More than Cost-Benefit

I've known we are far more than cost-benefit machines because of the things that we value. There's motherhood, apple pie, goodness and a fair shake. This challenges the perception of evolution as a brutal dog-eat-dog, the Devil take the hindmost filtering to the fittest. I call this perception of evolution because survival of the fittest is a far more sophisticated concept than simply lopping off the weak.

I am convinced that evolution got us here, but what do we do with these intangible values carried from ancient traditions and religions? Where did they come from? Are they part of our fundamental nature and if so, what possible evolutionary value do they have?

There's been some fascinating studies in the primacy of group behavior and the evolutionary advantage of cooperation. One such study is of bats:

"Individuals, whether they be humans or animals, live in groups. They form social organisations of variable nature and composition, and for various purposes. Whilst the adaptive benefits of sociality are generally understood, comparatively little is known of the precise mechanisms by which individuals in a social group establish and maintain social bonds. In this thesis, we expose and discuss some ruling principles of collective social behaviour, specifically by using animal groups as models of complex societies."  Comparative analysis of social interactions in animal groups by Perony, Nicolas (2012)

Sanctity and Justice

Then I came across Haidt's moral foundations, and my dilemma was resolved. As human beings we share some fundamental values that help us form groups, cooperate, and defend our group against outsiders. These may not be the universal morals that religion has sanctified, but they are "holy" orders for getting along. At least with each other. It's not quite as universal, say, as the speed of light or gravity, because as people we still readily attack outsiders/aliens. Not too long ago wolves were treated as vermin. Our values are fundamentally human values. 

Here is Haid's list: http://www.moralfoundations.org/

There are two moral categories, Sanctity/Degradation (disgust) and Fairness/Cheating (justice) that can bring the classically democrat and the conservative to loggerheads. The values of care and fairness are common among all peoples, but the conservative element in addition value loyalty, authority, and sanctity. 

"If a value is sacred in the minds of one of the antagonists, then it has infinite value, and may not be traded away for any other good, just as one may not sell one's child...People inflamed by nationalist and religious fervor hold certain values sacred,...to compromise them for the sake of peace or prosperity is taboo." (The better angels of our nature....Pinker Page 738)

We have for example, the ongoing dispute between Israel and Palestine. Pinker cites an ingenious study, where various scenarios were offered to both sides. Offering purely monetary rewards for peace were summarily dismissed (likely triggering disgust).

"We report a series of experiments carried out with Palestinian and Israeli participants showing that violent opposition to compromise over issues considered sacred is (i) increased by offering material incentives to compromise but (ii) decreased when the adversary makes symbolic compromises over their own sacred values. These results demonstrate some of the unique properties of reasoning and decision-making over sacred values." Sacred bounds on rational resolution of violent political conflict by Jeremy Ginges, Scott Atran, Douglas Medin, and Khalil Shikaki (2007)

Breaking Through to Understanding

Pinker continues,

"All of this would be pretty depressing were it not for Tetlock's observation that many ostensibly sacred values are really pseudo-sacred and may be compromised if a taboo trade-off is cleverly reframed....In a third variation of the hypothetical peace deal, the two-state solution was augmented with a purely symbolic declaration by the enemy in which it compromise one of its sacred values.." (The better angels of our nature....Pinker page 739).

For example, a Palestinian may be asked if Israel were first to agree in principle to their land rights, might they be more ready to reach a settlement? What if the other guy were to offer the olive branch first?

My Fight

My dilemma, which I hinted at in my last post, is that I am fundamentally opposed to the position that a board owner has taken towards Muslims. We are both affected by our own principles of fairness and sanctity. If I dare put words in his mouth, my long-standing colleague was horrified with the image of a fifty-four year old woman beheaded by a knife-wielding zealot in Oklahoma.

The death is senseless, the method brutal. Of course, we are repulsed by the images this offer. In his rage over the events, my colleague offered that there is something fundamentally wrong with Islam if it permits, allows, or creates such brutes.

This is when my own sense of fair play was outraged. I am all for containing and eradicating brutal fundamental organizations like ISIS. But these subsets of humanity do not characterize entire groups! There are 1.6 billion Muslims around the world. How many have membership in ISIS? Maybe 15,000.

Condemning an entire religion is disproportionate. The images that come to my mind are other groups, "outsiders" who were similarly rounded up and punished for their perceived "threat".

Japanese Internment Mess Hall

These are the sorts of images that horrify me. 

My colleague has tempered his comments somewhat, suggesting that the religion should abandon the violent passages in their holy book, the Quran if they are serious about putting to bed the violent streak in their brand of extremists. My argument is that even Christianity continues to hold it's entire bible sacred, even it's violent bits. It is entirely possible for a devoutly religious person to hold a book sacred, even as we have evolved past it's violent past. We have a finer sensibility these days, and genocide is simply out of the question.

We have broadened our sensibilities of what it means to be human, and it includes all of us.

Compelling Religious Reform

My colleague has been silent on the mechanics of how we might compel a religion to become a kinder, gentler version of itself, to reform its education and decry it's violent past. Whenever I see examples of say, governmental intervention in religious affairs, I see disaster. We're talking about treading on a community's sacred values and frankly, government lacks the finesse.

Waco Siege

Consider also the example of the Marrano forced Jewish converts to Christianity. Even those who publicly converted were treated with suspicion and later they were put to the inquisition. Convert or die; lousy idea.

Then there's the succession of civil wars in England, some of it spurred on by opposing Catholic and Protestant sensibilities.


Next, I'll talk about detente and how it is possible for fierce opponents to reach across the negotiating table.

Halloween Candy

This is the one-minute writer's prompt today. I am to write about my favorite candy but I prefer to write about a memorable flop. I was baking for a particularly tough customer, my daughter. She's in the natural crowd; need I say more? We're talking organic, sugar-free, gluten-free, aspartame-free, non-gmo, and no kittens were harmed in the production.

I've got my own list too as a mature type-2 diabetic. I want some fiber in there for satiety, low in fat, and high in protein. This was a production of love, as my daughter was expressing symptoms of weakness and fatigue in the afternoon. One of my principles in controlling blood sugar is no skipping of meals! Have a snack during that afternoon slump.

I decided to make stuffed dates. I simmered the dates in orange juice with a little nutmeg. Softened and cooled, I dabbed light laughing-cow wedges in the cavity of each date and wedged in walnut quarters.

Sweet, tasty, and natural (not counting the violation of California mamma cows somewhere in the production).

Next came the packaging. I was pretty sure my daughter would be non-plastic, so I laid out a half-dozen dates on waxed paper, rolled it up, and twisted between each date to make a long string of treats.

The final product looked like a string of...dog poop.

Which my daughter noticed when I swept out my offering to her while we were out shopping.

I'm not sure if she ever tried it.

Faith's Common Threads

I imagined the precepts of various faiths as buttons on a string. This is how we are alike rather than what separates us.

Thanks to Karen Armstrong and her Charter for Compassion for the inspiration.

Wings to Fly while Roots Run Deep

I am moved to take a few young adults in to my circle - to mentor, support, and encourage. Every single one of you - and you know who you are - are destined to do very well. You are hard working, kind, carrying yourself with integrity. You are coming in to your own with perhaps less than perfect support, but you are survivors.

I remember how uncertain I was in my twenties, coming to terms with the absolute consequence of failure. Sometimes I felt utterly alone. I saw my own children graduate from their uncertainty, too, through their twenties. One of the great treats of motherhood was to see my children come fully in to their own in their thirties; confident in who they were, their dreams and ambitions so unique to them. I am determined to pass on the same heritage to you.

You have an Auntie watching over you, cheering from the sidelines. You are strong and lovely. I see your hard work and your kindnesses.

• My own weakness is books so I might make a recommendation here or there. I don't want these suggestions to be a burden, so I will offer a Cole's Notes summary of what that book taught me, and why I think you might benefit. 
• For wings, I will instruct on resiliency. Many of you have this already, so I will simply explain why this ability will carry you through to success. 
• For wings, I will cheer on your successes and remind you of your strengths. 
• For roots, I will build a mythos of shared history. I will tell family stories of heroes who accomplished great things. There are roots of greatness in all of us. This will be your power.
• For roots, we will build shared tradition. Some way I will find to visit each one of you, at the very least once a year.

You may have guessed that my drive to give support at this time of your lives comes out of a shared history. My own mother in her weakness could not give, only take. It took me a long time to reconcile myself to that loss of what might have been. I had all the love that a daughter could give, but my poor mother could not see it as freely given. It made me very alone at times, and I had to beat away the bitterness. But I did find great friends, mentors, and the motherly along the way.  

I promise also not just to talk about books. 

My first recommendation, The Time Paradox by Philip Zimbardo. The happiest people are those who are anchored in the present allowing a little hedonism, have warm memories of shared traditions of the past, and ambitions for the future.

When I scored myself for my time perspective (the link above has a quiz) I saw that I was pessimistic about my past. This was holding me back. I decided instead to pay attention to the warm traditions that I enjoyed, I have experienced since a lifting of old burdens and a letting go of past hurts. When I walk lighter, I can do more things I enjoy. 

Find your joy.

Seven Day Veggie Challenge

I suddenly got sick of salads so every day this week I will pick up a different vegetable and figure out how to prepare it. 

Saturday, Breakfast

Whipped egg, garden tomatoes, Edamame, Cob's Chia bread

Here's the thing. For the past few months I have been putting together fresh salads from the Buttercrunch lettuce in my garden. Fall has arrived, the lettuce is done and I have been replacing my garden lettuce with the bagged stuff. It's just not the same. Definitely not the same a day old. I figure my sudden dislike for fresh salad is not the veggie's fault.  Respect the vegetable. Instead of trying to pick together a salad with day-old ingredients, I will pick fresh then decide how to prepare. 

Sunday, Dinner

Kale with pasta, bologna, tomatoes, and sunflower seeds. I racked up some PC points at Superstore for buying two bundles. Here is the recipe. 

I substituted the bacon, the sun dried tomatoes, and the Parmesan with bologna, fresh tomatoes, and sunflower seeds. I added a tablespoon of olive oil to make up for the missing bacon fat. I was surprised that hubby gobbled it up, since he has told me many times he does not like his pasta green. It just goes to show that everything goes with bacon. 

Monday, Lunch in my Bento Box

Kohlrabi coleslaw with mustard and carrot. Fine and crisp, great texture. Next time I will peel the Kohlrabi. My coleslaw looks different from the recipe because I grated my vegetables funny. I used my Mandoline to slice the Kohlrabi and my extra fine grater for the carrot. Served with Finn crisps that I tolerate nicely, along with home-made hummus. I freeze mini portions that are just right for lunches. 

Tuesday, Breakfast

Stuffed Bell Pepper with Egg

Here's the recipe I modified with impunity, to my tastes and what was available in the cupboard. Instead of squash I microwaved a potato with the garlic, olive oil and onion. Instead of feta and ricotta I used quark. I scrambled the egg because that is how we like it, and I skipped the marinara sauce. This is served with a bit of reduced sauce from the Kale recipe a few days ago. I could not convince hubby that this was a breakfast, but he promised to try it later. We shall see.        

Why seven days? Wouldn't a thirty day or a 365 day challenge be punchier? Sure, but I have fallen in love with winning. A lesson learned from my year-long weight loss is that goals must be achievable. Seven days I can do. 

Wednesday, Dinner, Okra with Lemon Basil dip and honey baked lentils

I wondered when a web description mentioned, "slimy". But I hardly noticed with these crisp, grilled Okra. The lemony smooth dip might have hidden the slippery part. I replaced the strained yogurt with Quark; much faster to prepare. 

Why all the substitutions you ask? I am watching the budget. If there is a replacement readily available in the fridge, that's what I do. I figure necessity is the mother of invention, far more creative than the canned recipes that Martha Stewart offers. Like all adventures, sometimes the substitution works, sometimes it doesn't.

I was right about the stuffed peppers. Hubby managed to avoid them completely, so I am sending the leftovers home with my daughter. She loved them, by the way. 

Two more days. These last few days will be an extra challenge, as I will be on the road. How does Cheez Whiz on celery sound? Veggie gummies don't count.

Thursday, Breakfast, Fried Green Tomatoes and Peppers with Lemon Basil Dip

I replaced the sour cream with the ubiquitous Quark, and rounded out my supply of green tomatoes (the final fall offerings from the tomato plant) with a bell pepper. The dip is fresh and delicious so I used up the remainder from last night. After this I will not be in my own kitchen, so we shall see what vegetables will be available on the road. 

Friday, Breakfast, Green Onions on Scrambled Eggs

Saturday, Breakfast, Omelet with Tomatoes, Green Pepper, and Onions

I was quite right. Great vegetables are hard to find on the road, though I can't complain about the buffet offered at the Executive Royal Hotel in Calgary. 

That's it! My seven day challenge is over. My confidence in vegetables is restored, as long as I seek them out fresh and in season. And step out of my comfort zone now and again.

During the long winter season, my sister points out that frozen is freshest. That's when I will seek out ways to prepare Edamame and spinach along with the tried-and-true "mixed vegetables".  

This recipe for Spaghetti Squash and Kale Gratin looks intriguing...