A Great Parent Isn't Perfect

A self-described patriarch declares on twitter how a woman can be a better mother. I'm triggered. But it is not my nature to curse or slam doors. I take apart an argument to find the pith, to eventually dig out a pithy answer. It takes more than 280 characters to rip this patriarch's list apart. So here I am, blogging my displeasure at leisure.

The patriarch's list:

• Be feminine
• Wear dresses
• Don't hit your kids
• Enforce boundaries
• Be physically active
• Don't tease your kids
• Cook your family's meals
• Don't call your children names
• Do not get drunk in front of them
• Show up to their games *& cheer*

The patriarch came up with his random set of rules, as far as I can tell, from a mixed bag of nostalgia and "biblical" principles.

After my red rage faded from his "Wear dresses" comment, I asked myself, is there a driving desire by parents everywhere to be better? Patriarch may be speaking to latent insecurity that comes with parenting, that insecurity that if we screw up, the kid is messed for life. Sure, parenting is scary. The first time a child lashes out, one wonders if anything was done right at all. But I firmly declare that imperfect parenting can still be great.

I am happy to have survived it all and watch my children grow up in to all they hope to be, and my granddaughter as well. This bible verse has come true for me, every single day,..."Her children rise up and call her blessed;..." (Proverbs 31:28a ESV). My experience taught me that I did not have to be perfect for my children to come out just fine. I could even mess up and still have done a great job. Because my children are utterly convinced that my love for them is limitless.

What makes a great parent from my experience? Parent with the future in mind. Be clear about consequences, and follow through when rules are broken. Listen and be available. Let them know that they are strong and capable people, able to make good choices. By your actions, prove that there is absolutely nothing you wouldn't do to set them up for a successful future. Your leadership will be their view of God on earth, so love them no matter what. If you mess up, apologize. You are modelling humility.

So is patriarch's list at all biblical? 

The bible talks about disciplining the child, teaching, keeping the sabbath and the holidays, giving good gifts, and not exasperating the child. I'd say of these ten arbitraries, three could be called biblical (I've given them red letters).  One arbitrary is specifically unbiblical. The bible admonishes parents not to spare the rod. Not that I'm advocating corporal punishment. From experience I found out that a parent, with aforethought, can maintain decorum without resorting to the rod. But it does show that this list is arbitrary, cherry picked out of some guy's head.

Is the patriarch's list nostalgic? 

Most certainly this list is nostalgic. I've highlighted the arbitraries in blue that evoke an idealized past memorialized in contemporary ads from the 1950's. But let's not forget that out of that period also came a seminal work, "The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan, which pointed a sharp finger in to the side of this shaky ideal. For a great many women, the suburban stay-at-home ideal just didn't live up to the promise. This was the age that also saw a marked increase in the use of prescribed anti-depressants. Note also that these blue arbitraries are not biblical. Even the ideal wife and mother memorialized in Proverbs 31 did not cook her own meals. She had servants for that.

What's wrong with an arbitrary list?

It condenses the parent's experience to a random list of do's and don'ts, while allowing elephants to walk through. A raging narcissist for instance, could keep to these rules and still torment their children every day. It is better I find, to live by general principles and allow our native kindness, intelligence and observation to guide our choices.

And finally, what does dress or femininity have to do with parenting?

It's the yoga pant that is the uniform of choice for scores of mothers. It's flexible, hides a multitude of sins, and allows for the deep bends and dives an active mother makes every day. Does that prevent them in any way from being great parents? It's irrelevant.

Punctuation is important

This is a sideline to a twitter discussion where the importance of punctuation came up. My young pup came up with this gem:

“That’s your argument my grammar is bad alright guess I’m wrong then guess homosexuality is true because my grammar is bad?”

I’ll add the punctuation that I think the writer intended. 

“That’s your argument?  [Because] my grammar is bad alright guess I’m wrong? [By that reasoning] then guess homosexuality is true? Because my grammar is bad?”

It could just as easily be interpreted:

“That’s your argument. My grammar is bad alright. Guess I’m wrong then. Guess homosexuality is true.  Because my grammar is bad?”

If I add my own punctuation I can interpret this pup  to be as passive-aggressive or openly hostile as I imagine him to be. 

The use of trueness is misused as well. I think we can all agree these days that homosexuality exists. In that sense, homosexuality is “true”.  The crux of the argument is whether it is moral or not. 

Ambiguous grammar aside, if an apologist wants to make an argument that homosexuality is biblically immoral, then say that. 

To answer that argument:

From a biblical point of view, Lot’s disastrous relations with his Sodomite neighbours is often brought up. I might point out that these lechers were also rapists, considering random strangers or Lot’s own daughters to be fair game. Rape is an act of violence and cruelty, an obvious violation of the Golden Rule. 

As for any New Testament prohibitions remember also Peter's vision where God tempted him with all sorts of unclean foodstuffs. God reminded Peter that in the age of Grace, whatever God calls clean is now clean. 

Apply the Golden Rule. If there is love, trust, loyalty, and mutual respect, it is approved of God.